This is my wish for 2008

I Didn't Choose
I wish i can!

Enyita...

5th of March

Happy 22nd Birthday to Pinky

She was once a little girl who talks much and laugh alot... A teenage struggling her way through life, pushing herself to future...
A young Lady between visions of the past and dreams of the future...

Pulling herself together...

And Now to New Horizons ...

Pinky! and Stuff;)

My Pink Minne cup with little Minnie doll(i use for pens and pencils)

and a Pink fluffly Minnie pen, both i got from Disney land resort in Paris

I thought as am not in the mood to write, to talk about the nick name Pinky! that i got lol

I used to log on msn using alot of nicknames, (Wild existence, Vague obsession, Tulipa,Sugar qube and all those weird nick names i used to write) one day i bought something pink tht i love besides my deep passion for the colour, i wrote Pinky! on msn...

Since then i got so lazy to change and it stuck to me Pinky! i loved it and didn't want to change by time...am actually drawn to anything Pink,it's a passionate happy sweet colour, it's somethings we miss in our lives, i know all girls love pink, am a girl So am Pinky!:D

Here are some of my pink stuff pics, i love em...

My Pink Make-up bags,the big pink bag i got as a gift from Cosmo girl and the other flowery bag from Marks&Spencer

My perfumes in pink boxes




My iPod in Pink with my pink arm band




My Mobile cute Motorola Pink Razr

This Minnie cute cushion i bought from Disney land resort last year


My Memo's Card with pink paper and ribbons

My Pink Wall rug my dad bought it to me for my little study room My pink Esprit watches, i love them:D

Ps:i love Minnie as u've might have noticed:D

and by the way i don't like Pink Floyd

Ups and Downs..

Many days passed and am just looking aimlessly to my blog's main page with no urge or intention to write any thing....

Boredom may be, i don't know exactly what is it, but i know that i don't have much to say.

Wanted to write about my trip to Sharm el-Sheikh, and also my trip to London and Paris last year, because it's been a whole year now since i went, just like yesterday i was coming back to Egypt but even so, i didn't want to write about it...

Writers blank or whatever they call it maybe...am not even talking much i spend hours in silence just thinking and thinking...

My last mid-year vaccation just ended, might be one of the longest vaccation ive ever had and one of the weirdest !!!

It begand nicely, going to Sharm relaxing having a lovely time there with my girl friends seriously el tahyees reached it's highest levels ever since ages lol

Came back from Sharm to find very unfortunate events waiting me...that made me forget all the fun in Sharm, but i managed, elhamdulilah..
Things got another turn when something else happened that got my life up-side down again,,,i didn't know how to act to re-act..i just let it happen...

I was getting my life on the right track this vaccation, i read a lot finished nearly 2 books and i exercised regularly,,,i felt much better when flows of endorphins started pumping through my veins, but i surrendered again at the end...endorphins cudnt do it..

Went to my Faculty yesterday and got the worst surprise of my life...i never cried in my faculty but this time i did...i was just standing there helplessly not believing my eyes or my ears...

On the other side, am starting my inter-cultural courses in Goethe institute soon, getting us ready to go Germany next May, as i've been selected with other 4 to represent Egypt in the Euro-Mediterranean youth parliament in Berlin, i was so happy when i got selected representing Egypt is a dream to me, am intending to do my best in this event inshAllah, i consider it chance of my life at this stage, it will widen my horizons and make me experience Europe from a total different scope, than the touristic one i've experienced it through....

Still working in the event of the anti-sexual harassment campaign,,,but lately am loosing interest in many things, i need to push myself more, to work more..wanna do my best ...

My life's dilemma, the on-going ups and downs, of doing what i want , and then stopping and then going back and then getting depressed and offfffffff...done with myself and everything around...

Usually, i don't like admitting that am always going through a dilemma, but if i didn't even write it on my blog where else i could??

I know i'll be okay soon inshAllah, my birthday is so soon, am turning 22 am goin to have new resolutions and i'll get ready to get my life right...

Whatever happens i always believe it adds to me, the hard times make me tougher and the nice times make me grateful...

am currently reading this book (The Alchemist) a lovely story for Paulo Coelho am enjoying it big time actually, it's so magical in a way...

mmmm Thursday might go out with my friends, might not...but Enough for today 7aram bardo lol...

Songs of such a mood...Aimer-Romeo and juliet.
Elle tu l'aime-Helene Segara.
some Beethoven and Mozart :D

Alone on the Road

Alone on the road walking still
Trying to figure out what happened
and what's happening still
A sad melody in the heart
A soul torn apart
A tear shy to fall
To show weakness of a human
Tired of living and running

Alone on the road walking still
Imagining what's coming
A few moments left to kill
Scared of the unknown
Frightened of the high hill
Facing you, another obstacle on the road
Will you survive?
Will you wait until..
Nothing is granted life ends in seconds
Deep inside you know
That miracles do happen
But you're no more sure
If you can stand still
Facing this world's allure

Alone on the road walking still
A wall inside built on ruins of others
No one any more bothers
People die, hearts cry
Wounds hurt, and memories fly
Your life moments infront of you
Scenes of it blurring your eyes
Makes you smile and cry
At the same moment, it was all a big lie
You believed and naively tried
At the end you lost
Got left alone in the dark night

Alone on the road walking still
Waiting the sun to rise from behind the far hill
Night is here look up to the stars
Seeking warmth from moon light
You Seek company on your road
Trust in the Dawn coming
Trust in the twinkling happy star
One day you'll touch it, it wont be so far..

Alone on the road walking still
Faith in your heart
With light and hope your soul is filled
Embrace your self
Lock up your needs and desires
Let the wind take your hair away
Face the world with a brave will
Go for it no need to regret
The story is repeated everyday
From sun rise to sun set until
You wont be on the road still
You'll fly up high
You'll Touch the skies
In heavens you'll rest
Alone on the road walking still
To the last moment, until
Sun rises from behind the far hill.

Teddy on my Bed, sitting next to my pillow

Dearest ever, Teddy bear

We spent the most lovely days together dear remember? the day i got you on the 14Th of June? you were at the top of my cute box waiting to be kissed and hugged, you looked so cute dear, i cried when i saw you...
We shared lots of memories, and you were always between my arms and next to me on my bed, since i got u i didn't sleep alone...
Remember our trip to Alex? when i gave you that sun bath at the balcony? u enjoyed it so much, and my grandma liked u too;)
Remember when we went to Pousy on summer days, u were my company on such sad nights, when i used to hug u and cry, u used to comfort me with your soft fur and ur sweet little heart "someone special" and so u were to me...
You were born and made in China, bought from England and sent to Egypt...
I know you got tired dear, but i gave you so much pampering and cuddling...
remember when i took u lots of pics on my mobile, and showed them to everyone? remember when i used to whisper you every night before i sleep and tell you wt's worrying me, you were my connection to my soul somewhere in the other part of the world, or maybe i thought u were...
I loved you so much Teddy , and i still do...My bed without you looks cold and different, i just wished to keep you with me safely till i give u back...But not all we want happen Teddy dear..
Since i got you. you were always in my bags wherever i went, next to me wherever i slept, and in my heart if i ever left...
And you'll still be in my heart, but ...you gotta go back to your box, there's not point of you being next to me in bed, or in my hug at night...oh yea u also u used to like sitting with me on my rocking chair remember dear?
But, you have to go back, if it was for me i just want u near and dear as u've always been, but it's not a matter of choice Teddy...
I love u sooo much Teddy, right now you're on my lap for the last time, i'll give u your last kiss and "Big Hug" and then you shall sleep peacefully in the box again, till God only knows where will you finally settle...
Love u from all my heart...may you sleep peacefully and may be you'll witness another story somewhere...but for me the story just wrote it's End...
Bbye Teddy, love u 4ever..x

Yours Engy...

The Knight's Fantasy...

The sky was wearing it's black viel

Plane and wide like a starry field

I was lonely and sad

Crying so bad

Something came along and touched my hands

It was a breeze coming from another lands

Lands of Love,Care and Passion

I heared a harmony i know by heart

That was my knight he felt my sorrow

He came along and Filled the hollow

The hollow in my little heart no longer exits

He made it an ocean with morning mist

Candels and Roses, Honey and Horses

A fantasy i was living or chasing an illusion

No more conclusions

I opened my eyes, and felt sun rise

The knight left me and my nights

And inside my eyes it was the dream's lights

This thought is really dear to me, i wrote it when i was in high school, i was about 17 at the time, i don't have the original copy of it, i gave it 2 someone dear to me to keep it, i hope it's still there...

this thought was like a prediction, some of what i said happened to me, that shocked me later when i read it, anyway i changed some of the words i dont remember...and i still like it.

Dedicated to a Knight...

when i was young, i used to look at the stars and wonder how my life will be after many years...
I used to count the stars and ask myself what will those stars witness me doing in my life, i used to think of my life, my family, my job, my university, and never had a clear vision of my future, i just let it happen...

Days passed by, and my future came and what i've been wondering about became my everyday life..don't know if that was what i really wanted for myself...but i thank God on everything..

I met people i never thought i will, i made things that was a far fetched dream to me, when i was in school, i used to stay in my class in the break and look to the horizon in front of me and say one day i'll be free, i will be able to fly, go everywhere and do everything, but i will never loose myself, the one i admired and liked so much, from inside...

Looking back to my life then...it's really changed, what i never expected happened what i never wished for occurred..

I don't know if time went back ,what will i choose, but all i know that i don't have much regrets..
Time run fast..u barely catch your breath from one incident to other passing your life, and you never know what's next...You see minutes of your days dwindling in front of your eyes, cynically enough you do nothing about it...you just watch..

I miss that little girl, who used to dream for herself, for her country, for everything, when she used to look to the horizon and dream of a better tomorrow, when she used to laugh from her heart to cheer everyone around her, when she used to watch the Nile from her back seat in the car and feel she wanna hug it's shores dear to her heart...

She still got those dreams, but she doubts everything...

I miss little me....

I don't like what i wrote....but here it is..

It seems you never knew what you meant to me
Like your star is up there missing the scenery
Of when we used to talk and laugh
May be I never put it right
But define being special
What it would be more than to be unique
In your lover's heart

I was a star in your galaxy
And I revolved in your orbit's mystery
I was a single flower in your garden
And I thought you gonna pick me
And melt my thorns inside of me

So strange is the fate
Bring two worlds apart so near
And make it easy in a moment
And hard in a year
Pressure, irritation and fear
All together suddenly so clear

Special you are and always been
Even if u think I neva knew u within
But what I touched was beyond this
It's much more than sweetness
It's a musical serene
Of happiness I witnessed
In this life's hectic theme

Rose petals and honey u promised
But brutal thorns I felt
It's destiny's usual role
Wilt your dreams away
And guide you to another way

This world is so big
It's more than you and me
It's a life time chronicles
Of thousands of stories
That are born and aborted
If you forgot easily and moved on
It's okay
But what inside of me is mine
And am gonna deal with my pain

I wish I never met you
I wished to die before I witness that
I didn't want to be hurt and warned you from the start
But eventually what I was fearing was to last

Forever and ever till the future is my past…

Engy

My friend Sasa(Esraa) wrote this thought , i dont like the words,and if they were true, but God's here and i dont believe there's anything impossible...

i discovered she didn't write it, she extracted it from some site!! anyway it's still nice lol..

Sometimes we have to make a check point, where we review our relationships.
Some relations aren't supposed to go on, they last few days, months or even few years but finally, it isn't meant to last, it is not well based and so it can't survive.
It needs lot of courage to understand that, more courage to achieve the break and much more courage to maintain this decision.
It is hard to break a relationship, you always have fears; the fear that you might be wrong, the fear of loneliness, the fear of the other side reaction and the mysterious fear of the unknown future.
Yet it has to be done!!
We must at some point say enough and turn around, never look back again.

Withdrawal symptoms

It's when you've been addicted to everything sweet and nice, every heavenly word and thought, every nice dream and hope, when u had slept on dreams of the past and illusions of the future, and then you're stabbed ,slapped and badly brutally hurt, deep profound wound, that's when you'll start suffering from" Withdrawal symptoms".

Days pass by ,and you're just watching them, you're existing but not living, tears are falling and flowing you can't stop them, no sleep touching your eyes, no eating is even required, you're shaking, not believing, you wish you're dreaming or may be it's suddenly April and the Fool's here?..
Every single part of your body hurts you, your soul is wounded , you breathe heavily and it's being cut with tearful sighs, you stay silent for hours ,wishing you'll hear that healing voice again, that might come and take your tears away as brutally pushing them to fall..

Every where you go, whatever you do , there's the memory, there's the hurt, there's the lost dream, the symptoms gets hard and ever harder, after you come back from you one year whole trip to a new world of passion ,love ,care, dreams, hopes, plans, when someone said once" am not being optimistic, am being realistic" and suddenly it seemed not that true...

"If u stabbed me with a knife in my heart I'll still say i love you while dying" , "I'll make you cry of happiness one day", "I'll walk to the end of the world to bring you a cup of water" , "am searching for a word more expressive than i love you", "am dedicating my life to you" ,"you're trapped ,you're not gonna go this easily" , "i want everything to be perfect" , "i love you so much that it hurts" , "am your dreams ,hopes and life" .......

"It takes more than love to be with someone", yes it takes dedication, devotions and sincerity, "time is the best healer" ....the End....

Daughter of the Nile..

She's kissed by the hot sun..
She's as dark as the night...
Like Sultan's daughter's beauty..
her smile is like a twinkling star...
like morning sun happily kissing our lands..
like the wind dancing playing with my dress...

From an immortal happiness of the lands...
from an oriental beat of Oud...
her moves are floats...
her steps are dances...
her dialect is Egyptian..

Like Wild roses petals..
and wings of sea birds..
wild roses, sea birds..
Arabian nights, and nostalgia..

And her tanned lips saying:
I am Egyptian..

like our lands , hot and beautiful...
and eternal night's oriental fragrance..
Egyptian,she is Egyptian...

She's asking you ever forget her?...
you know where she is?...
she's all love ages through centuries...
Eastern stars in her pockets...
the magic carpet on her palms...
and the bitterness of magic in her eyes..

Am the Daughter of the Nile...
am Glory of the Generation...
in Every beauty you shall find me..
in night's moon..
sea waves..
like desert's sun i'm shining...
in this universe book I've been written..
and with all languages I've been praised ..
They wanted me and loved me...
am not an ordinary woman....

Egyptian i am, i am Egyptian..

and my tanned lips saying:
Egyptian i am,i am Egyptian..
Egyptian and proud to be....

Those words i translated and re-written some parts of them, from Magda el Rumi's song "Smaraa", i love this song and feel it so much, hope you like it too....dedicated to all daughters of the Nile:)

Run for your life..

I wrote that last summer, and most of my friends read it, it's nothing important, but it's near to me coz i got a nice comment on it from Dr.Alaa at the Ahram Weekly training last summer, that's why i appreciate it and wanna share it with u;) enjoy lol

You wake up so tired, rushing to the bathroom and back to your room to get ready to hit a new day. Heading to the kitchen no time for breakfast, just grab your coffee and run to the streets, here we go you started a new day of your life time, running like mad as if you're a marathon's champion or something, phone calls, meetings, delivering papers , and so on and on and on…
Oops you forgot to eat something in all that hassle of the day, you buy a sandwich or a bag of crisps, oh yea unhealthy choices there's no time to think about your nutrition it's so marginalized you got a career to catch.
You're back home, home sweet home, you'll take a shower , may be do some home choirs , then ofcourse run towards your pc , start finishing some other work, and check everything new in whatever you're doing , suddenly it came to your mind that it's nearly bed time, so the routinic rituals before going to bed , and then zzZzz...
But in the middle of all of this you ask yourself does it worth? Does it worth all that struggle everyday? Are we here to struggle and push ourselves everyday like that? Are we on the right track? Did we take the right decision? Million of questions start coming to your head while you're trying to get some sleep before sun shines to a new day with the same features of yesterday's that all days became alike and just the same.
Reaching answers is your ultimate goal, and it's hard to get a clear answer to all of this, you are questioning your own life's meaning.
So, you're not a negative person, you can't be doing all of that in your life and you can't find some answers to your questions, or even find a relieving feeling about what you're doing, but it's really hard if you took a peaceful moment between you and yourself, whose winning , whose taking over your life? Is it you or yourself are they just you or are they you and other you inside of you, quite hilarious facts of life, aren't they?
I've came to a weird conclusion that life's hard and easy, happy and sad, cheerful and melancholy, it got optimism and pessimism, it got right and wrong, good and evil, every kind of opposites exist in life and that what gave life this so un understandable meaning that we are all craving to reach .
This good this evil, this right, this wrong all yours, according to you and your backgrounds, experiences , according to your own morals your own ideals, your own determination or even deterioration , it's all yours and in your own hands.
You've got the answers that you can't reach and the harder you try the more you know how deeply they are engraved in your own mind and heart.
But one meaning we all agree upon, is that life's hard and your struggle may worth surviving this race of life, may be it was true ''run for your life''.

It was all a moment..

May be it was meant to be, and may be not, it's like a dream , or a shadow of something so true, shadows of the past or visions of the future, predictable events or vague incidents, yesterday it was a dream , today it's your life , tomorrow it's a memory , you're changed to eternity and you're never back again.
Longing and containment at the same time, you're life is dedicated for this sake, and you're screaming with all your might, don't go, don’t ever leave me, can't do without you.
You know you want it, every particle of you needs it, more than anything right now, that's torture, pure torment, as sweet as honey when you have it, as bitter as scum when it's not yours, and if u had it you won't ever be satisfied…
It's my night , bring me the stars , and make me live the day, forget me on your hands, till sun shines from your eyes, my all , my life, my love…
What this life's meaning, it's a dream, it's a moment calling you, and the rest is yours to live it with me, give me your hands here's my destiny, it's yours..
Am from you and your from me, don’t ever leave me, never go, you're my soul, inside of me, you who knows that I only sing for.
How do I miss, saying I love you higher than my voice can tell or say and tell my story to every person, that am for u and your for me, before this life and in this life and after this life, those hearts are saying It and they will prove it..
Fly me away on wings of soft feathers, take me away from this world, and the night will cover us with craziness, till moon light lighten up our night, till my tear screams out telling you, till you cry, till am so shy, till the moon cries, till the night flies, till winds blow, till my scream crack night's silence announcing love heat's fumes, pleasures and sweet pains, till this dream ends, and I surrender to this mental pleasure, I had it yesterday, today and tomorrow, save me a place in future so I can tell my story , as I had a place in the past, days I lived ran like wind, it was all a moment……